...It's still raining

As you read these words know they come from my heart. The deepest parts where my doubts and anguish live. Know that even just by writing these words down I have wrestled with myself. Above all know that I KNOW the Truth. I KNOW our God and I KNOW that someday it will be answered but for today this is my struggle.

Today I searched for a verse that fit my mood. It's funny how often we do that as if the Bible were an encyclopedia of answers to all our problems. An A-Z list of dilemmas. Not to my surprise it didn't work and it didn't help. Today my heart is heavy. I am struggling to find God amidst the painful realities of living in a fallen world. I know in my head, in my knowledge of who He is, that I serve a loving, wise, merciful God. Today my heart is not convinced. It is easy for me to offer platitudes of comfort for those around me suffering. "God is sovereign" "His plan is best" or concerning the passing of a loved one (my favorite "consolations" ) "He is in a better place". None of these dull the pain of watching your baby slip away(or someone else's baby. None of these bring back missed loved ones. There are no words and no actions to offer when the people we walk so closely with and care so much about are in pain. The pain I speak of is the helpless pain of a ravaging illness. I can handle the daily doses of misery. The stubbed toe, the plant that you nurture to death, even a sudden shocking death I can handle. It's the slow agonizing silent killers that boggle my faith. I do not understand how a loving God can allow such pain in such small bodies. It breaks my heart. My promise of salvation seems so distant and empty. It feels like a hollow offer when the pain is so prevalent, so real and insurmountable. How are we to expect anyone to see around pain like that. I have watched this pain at a more intimate perspective this year. I have gained a new vision for what cancer is. I have understood it on a cognitive level. Never before have I seen it's work so closely and truly in the depths of my soul understood it's destruction. I have no words of my own I only have tears to respond with. I have to platitudes or even scripture to cover this pain with. They all feel like a child's band aide used to cover a gaping flesh wound. These are the words I am striving to believe and practice but as the day grows nearer and the prayers seem to fall on deaf ears it is increasingly harder to say "I will Praise You" .

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
~Casting Crowns